Advent's Companionship of Hope and Grief by Kalee Vandegrift
Advent’s Companionship of Hope and Grief
by Kalee Vandegrift
When I was asked to contribute to this advent series I had anticipated writing on the companionship of hope and grief, especially in light of what 2020 has held.
Then Thanksgiving came, I got engaged, and I am filled with immeasurable joy and giddiness that I don’t fully know what to do with. Excitement and celebration in 2020! Is that allowed in full measure? Is it tone deaf? Will people want to join in? Can joy and gratitude have as much space with such grief and lament this year has held? Whose permission am I seeking?
As I sit here trying to let my flame of joy live, I wonder about this.
My rational brain and therapist in me say, “Yes, we hold the tensions of this world, we hold our various emotions and experiences together.” But my body and my heart are skeptical, possibly even scared, unsure if it’s safe.
Safe for what you may ask? Safe to believe God is all who She says She is and I am who She says I am. Safe to be in my body as I feel the goodness of God and not fear disappointment, death, and it ending. Safe to take up space. Safe to believe that it’s okay to find rest and relief in my joy.
As my fiance’ was proposing tears streamed down my face - uncontrollable and unstoppable tears. I had just been hoping that I would be able to show emotion when he proposed and now here I was weeping in a way that took me by surprise. My body was letting out a long awaited release, my soul was rejoicing and overflowing with love.
In my vulnerability of longing and immense desire for a person who would be my beloved and partner I had created defensive structures to stay strong and confident, protection from being hurt or aching from loving someone so much. Despite all my fiance’ has done to show his love for me and earn my trust I still had small doubts at times.
The voice from the shadows whispering, “What if it’s not real and I’m going to be made a fool.” The risk of allowing myself to believe in and enjoy his love was more than I was willing to take at times.
But as he began to propose, my eyes welled, water fell down my cheeks and into the dirt beneath us. His love was real, my hope had not betrayed me. I felt the armor of my self protection and my resignation to struggle graciously relent.
There was a deep well of love abounding in me that I had new access to and naturally yearned to pour out, not just for him, but for God and the world.
I can honor why my self protection mechanisms exist, but I was saddened in the moment of realizing how much love and generosity had been held hostage in my fear and self preservation. It turned me inward and took my eyes off of Emmanuel and the Giver of Life. In my joy and celebration I am reminded that the darkness has not won, it does not have the final say, and God is over all.
I hear the whisper of God asking, “Kalee, will you join me?” And I understand to be fully in my joy as I am in my grief is the embodied way of Christ, and my act of defiance.
What if in our waiting we relinquished ourselves into the reality of God’s active incomprehensible love with and for us, and the promises of the Kingdom of God?
What if we vulnerably laid our defenses and protection methods down (or lowered them even a bit), and let ourselves believe and receive the moments of goodness and joy in our day.?
Some days that’s in the simplicity of the satisfying sound of fall leaves crunching under my feet.
Will you join me in pondering about joy this advent season? What is the protection around your heart or the armor you’ve held on to in order to endure this year? What is the vulnerability you war with if you allow yourself to feel goodness and rest in joy? What keeps your eyes from gazing into the face of Jesus and our God?
Together may we trust in Jesus and lower our defenses to love one another with abandonment and be loved. May we rejoice with him, savor goodness, and rest in the joy of the Lord as we hope and wait. May it be so.
Kalee Vandegrift’s Bio:
Kalee is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with adults of childhood abuse and relational trauma, a facilitator for The Allender Center’s Training Certificates and Story Workshops, and Manager of Partnerships for The Allender Center. She currently sees clients in her private practice and works with women in a local transitional housing program. Kalee is passionate about the healing and thriving of others, and the transformation that takes place in the presence of others. She finds great joy in dismantling oppressive systems within the collective community and at the individual level, alongside drawing out and fighting for the beauty and life embedded within all of us. Kalee resides in her new home state of Texas with her beloved fiance’. You can find her exploring and searching for all traces of the wild and water masses in a proximal distance she can find. Or breaking into song and dance (tone deaf and off beat) as the day inspires.
